I Love Him so Much it Hurts...

She quoted him saying, "I love him so much it hurts."

A little boy of almost two, toddles to and fro melting my heart day by day, minute by minute, second by second. Maybe it's the blue eyes and blonde hair. Or it could be those cheeks! How cubby and cute! But wait, that smile...oh the smile that gets me every time. I could go on and on....and on and on...and on and on.

The love from a child...

None will ever compare!

I have been accused more times than I can count on my fingers and toes, that I will never pass a child without saying something to the effect of...."Awe! Look!!! He/She is so cute!!!!!" If every time I secretly wished to bring a child home with me came true, I would need mansions (yes, you heard right mansions plural) in order to have enough room.

Ever since I was a tot myself, I have been exceptionally crazy about babies. Initially the craze was baby dolls. What do you want for your birthday? A baby doll. What are you going to ask Santa for? A baby doll. You deserve a special treat today, what would you like? A baby doll. How many baby dolls can a girl have? Never enough!

 As the years progressed, the baby doll stage phased out. I found myself yearning instead for a little one in the family. A baby in the family would at least mean I could receive some tangible, real-life baby time! I wanted to hear the "coos" and "caas". I wanted to breathe in that one of a kind sweet baby smell. And yes, I even wanted to change a real poopy diaper.

Move forward a few years....The question now was how many kiddos could I track down to babysit? It took a few families and a handful of not so positive babysitting experiences, before I landed upon a family of four that will forever be remembered and forever be imprinted on my heart.

Two young boys. One about a year. The other about three. The youngest crawled around, chubby as a "chunky monkey", with a bottle hanging out the side of his mouth. The other cute as a button whose words on the first night were "cuddle me". He knew how to break down the walls a girls heart at quite a young age, if I do say so myself. I was in love from the moment I laid eyes on these two boys.

Six years passed with these guys at my side. Numerous times I heard the mom consider me part of the family. I was at their house nearly every Friday and Saturday night. Great memories were made, some which include, the youngest tossing a bowl of spaghetti on his head, going for a bike rides, watching Disney channel, having water balloon fights, making Christmas cookies, and racing Yoshi and Mario on Game Cube's MarioKart. Each night, however, ended the exact same way.....falling asleep with one or both of them by my side, on a palate in the family room at 930 pm. Pure bliss!

These two boys have forever touched my life. I was never fulfilled as I felt I always needed to see them again. Although their love was an amazing gift, I always wanted more...and more...and more. I loved them as though they were my own. They were "my boys".

Years have passed since I last watched "my boys". The absence of them in my life has forced me to search for ways to fill the void left within my heart. Pediatric nursing seemed to be a good start. Kids every day? Yes please!! What more could I want?? What more could I ask for??


Well, God blessed me with a great job. I see children of all ages at least three times a week. However, the fact is, I want a lot more. I desire those intimate ties between a child and myself; ties I cannot get being a nurse. Although pediatric nursing is great, I presently find myself longing for something so much richer.

Over the past eight months I developed a relationship with an amazing family. First they were a family of three, now they're a family of five. Three kids two and under. A little boy of two and a twin girl and boy of nine months. My heart hit the jackpot! This family has been and continues to be such a blessing. The children give me happiness I cannot explain. My heart overflows with love and joy whenever I am face to face with these angels.

Yet, two months have passed since I have seen this family and my soul is so empty! I miss these little ones more than you know, more than you can imagine! When, oh when might I see them again???? I am longing once again for more.......

The reactions and deep feelings I have for all the children of the families mentioned above are unable to be expressed through writing. They reach to the core of who I am. They saturate my soul. They leave me yearning for something greater. Yet, they are not even my own biological kids! I am in awe. If I love them this much, then what will I feel when I have children of my own?

Fervid! I will be fervid! Maybe even fervid x 10000, if that's possible! :)

I cannot wait for the day I become a mommy. The minute I discover there's a little one inside me.....wow....no words can express what I will feel. Just be ready, because you will probably hear the loudest cry of excitement you have ever heard in your life.

This day will come, for I am hopeful, believing, and trusting. One day I will be a mommy and I will experience on a much greater level what it means to love a child. Although I genuinely feel this now, the day will come when I will be saying "I love him so much it hurts" with a whole new meaning.

I encourage you to allow children to bless your life, for you might find YOURSELF saying, "I love him so much it hurts"....