Friday, September 24, 2010

Letting the Lord Lead...

Surprised, my mind comes to an abrupt halt.

Ever been thrown for a complete loop, totally unexpected?

Raising my hand, I join in agreement that this has been an experience I have encountered. In all actuality, just recently I have been stopped dead in my tracks with no warning as to what my mind was on the verge of pondering.

Where in the WORLD did this come from?

You try to shut the thought out as it cannot be true. I mean, would not I of taken small notice prior? You wonder, don't you?

It is what it is, so now it's time to deal with the cold, hard facts. You think. You reflect. You question. You look for a way to either negate or affirm what is rushing through your mind.

Will you ever come to conclusions? Is it a matter of time before you can stand with boldness and say whether the thought that stopped you dead in your tracks actually held validity?

But I always told myself no. I closed the blinds on this idea long ago. Surely my mind is playing games.

Yet, you sit and try to quiet your heart realizing the thought still lingers. You were not the instigator. If you were then certainly you would have perceived this long ago. Does that mean it's something deeper? Is there another hand involved?

Personally, I believe when life throws you curve balls or when wild ideas, out of no where, slip into your mind, you must stop and evaluate, reflect, and pray. Completely unexpected events can prove to be the mighty work of the Lord. I've heard life happens when you least expect it. Maybe it's one of those moments...

As I continue to teeter with my life's curve balls, I am letting the Lord lead....will you do the same?

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I Love Him so Much it Hurts...

She quoted him saying, "I love him so much it hurts."

A little boy of almost two, toddles to and fro melting my heart day by day, minute by minute, second by second. Maybe it's the blue eyes and blonde hair. Or it could be those cheeks! How cubby and cute! But wait, that smile...oh the smile that gets me every time. I could go on and on....and on and on...and on and on.

The love from a child...

None will ever compare!

I have been accused more times than I can count on my fingers and toes, that I will never pass a child without saying something to the effect of...."Awe! Look!!! He/She is so cute!!!!!" If every time I secretly wished to bring a child home with me came true, I would need mansions (yes, you heard right mansions plural) in order to have enough room.

Ever since I was a tot myself, I have been exceptionally crazy about babies. Initially the craze was baby dolls. What do you want for your birthday? A baby doll. What are you going to ask Santa for? A baby doll. You deserve a special treat today, what would you like? A baby doll. How many baby dolls can a girl have? Never enough!

 As the years progressed, the baby doll stage phased out. I found myself yearning instead for a little one in the family. A baby in the family would at least mean I could receive some tangible, real-life baby time! I wanted to hear the "coos" and "caas". I wanted to breathe in that one of a kind sweet baby smell. And yes, I even wanted to change a real poopy diaper.

Move forward a few years....The question now was how many kiddos could I track down to babysit? It took a few families and a handful of not so positive babysitting experiences, before I landed upon a family of four that will forever be remembered and forever be imprinted on my heart.

Two young boys. One about a year. The other about three. The youngest crawled around, chubby as a "chunky monkey", with a bottle hanging out the side of his mouth. The other cute as a button whose words on the first night were "cuddle me". He knew how to break down the walls a girls heart at quite a young age, if I do say so myself. I was in love from the moment I laid eyes on these two boys.

Six years passed with these guys at my side. Numerous times I heard the mom consider me part of the family. I was at their house nearly every Friday and Saturday night. Great memories were made, some which include, the youngest tossing a bowl of spaghetti on his head, going for a bike rides, watching Disney channel, having water balloon fights, making Christmas cookies, and racing Yoshi and Mario on Game Cube's MarioKart. Each night, however, ended the exact same way.....falling asleep with one or both of them by my side, on a palate in the family room at 930 pm. Pure bliss!

These two boys have forever touched my life. I was never fulfilled as I felt I always needed to see them again. Although their love was an amazing gift, I always wanted more...and more...and more. I loved them as though they were my own. They were "my boys".

Years have passed since I last watched "my boys". The absence of them in my life has forced me to search for ways to fill the void left within my heart. Pediatric nursing seemed to be a good start. Kids every day? Yes please!! What more could I want?? What more could I ask for??

Well, God blessed me with a great job. I see children of all ages at least three times a week. However, the fact is, I want a lot more. I desire those intimate ties between a child and myself; ties I cannot get being a nurse. Although pediatric nursing is great, I presently find myself longing for something so much richer.

Over the past eight months I developed a relationship with an amazing family. First they were a family of three, now they're a family of five. Three kids two and under. A little boy of two and a twin girl and boy of nine months. My heart hit the jackpot! This family has been and continues to be such a blessing. The children give me happiness I cannot explain. My heart overflows with love and joy whenever I am face to face with these angels.

Yet, two months have passed since I have seen this family and my soul is so empty! I miss these little ones more than you know, more than you can imagine! When, oh when might I see them again???? I am longing once again for more.......

The reactions and deep feelings I have for all the children of the families mentioned above are unable to be expressed through writing. They reach to the core of who I am. They saturate my soul. They leave me yearning for something greater. Yet, they are not even my own biological kids! I am in awe. If I love them this much, then what will I feel when I have children of my own?

Fervid! I will be fervid! Maybe even fervid x 10000, if that's possible! :)

I cannot wait for the day I become a mommy. The minute I discover there's a little one inside words can express what I will feel. Just be ready, because you will probably hear the loudest cry of excitement you have ever heard in your life.

This day will come, for I am hopeful, believing, and trusting. One day I will be a mommy and I will experience on a much greater level what it means to love a child. Although I genuinely feel this now, the day will come when I will be saying "I love him so much it hurts" with a whole new meaning.

I encourage you to allow children to bless your life, for you might find YOURSELF saying, "I love him so much it hurts"....

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Pray Before it's too Late...

Funny how things just "seem to fit"at certain crossroads in life...

I've been yearning to overcome a dry spell in my spiritual walk for a great length of time... I've welcomed even the smallest drinks of water with extraordinary gratefulness. I have felt distant, empty at times, and frustrated beyond words. However, over the past couple weeks I have noticed an ever so slight pull at the strings of my heart; a tug that is attributed to none other than my heavenly Father. This gives me great hope....a trusting spirit.....and a believing mind.

Late yesterday evening proved to be one of those "pull at my heart" days. Life lately has been nothing short of a drama between a friend and I whom I hold dear to my heart. (Take note...I hate drama.) I've struggled for days upon days trying to come to terms as to why our friendship is so hard. Yet despite my frustrations and agitations, I feel it's so worth the battle. A battle I'm willing to fight....A friendship I'm willing to save.

No one said a battle would be easy. In fact, I would argue the midpoint of a battle is the most challenging time. Maybe even the most painful. What now? How do we move ahead? When will we come to see eye to eye? What does he/she think? Questions pile upon one another and before you know it, a mountain clouds your mind of clear, rationale thinking. You become vulnerable. You fear what lies before you. You are uncertain. . . . . All equating to a road of doubtful thinking.

Vulnerability + doubtful thinking = Attacks from Satan

My life Monday, September 20th, 2010, 9:10 p.m.

Overwhelmed with a sense of inadequacy in regards to friendships and relationships, I called out to friends expressing my need for prayer. Through a battle I became vulnerable. Once I became vulnerable, I fell into Satan's trap of doubting my abilities to be a friend to others. Stemming from a particular circumstance, I found these thoughts of inadequacy crossing over into my other friendships. It was a snowball effect that ultimately led me face down in my pillows crying out for help. I KNEW I was under attack. Just when I started to feel God's presence more in my life, Satan got me. He knows the perfect time and place...he KNOWS when we are yearning for God and seeking his face...and that's when he strikes.

I praise the Lord for friends who care. Friends who will say a short pray. Friends who will call to encourage you. Friends who tell you, "you are a great friend and I love you." Friends who are there RIGHT when you need them. There's no other way to explain how four people were at their phones exactly at 915 pm last night,when a text of desperation came through other than to say it was God's mighty hand. I thank him for not ever giving up on a child who is dry and weary, but one who is yearning for even a splash of water.

Pray before it's too late...
To overcome this dry spell, I am trying to get at least a small bite of spiritual food daily. After work, I clicked on the Joyce Meyer link on my favorites page to find the title of the daily devotion, "Pray Before it's too Late." Before even reading this, I stopped mid-thought and remembered last night. If I am honest with myself, I believe I prayed before it was too late. I took notice of the devil's attack and called out to my brothers and sisters in Christ for help. We are all in the walk together, to encourage, to love, to motivate, to lean on, to pray for...before it's too late. Take note when Satan is stirring in your heart and do not be afraid to call out for prayer.

I am ever so grateful that God put these exact words of this devotional on Joyce Meyer's website today, at this particular crossroad in my life just "seemed to fit".

Monday, September 20, 2010

Picking up the "pen"...

I pick up the "pen" today to begin a new journey.... 

My thoughts run wild as I contemplate the pros and cons to such a modern day, computer-driven world concept such as blogging. I've always been a "let it all out" type person when it comes the matters of the heart as I thrive on genuine transparency. Yet, I stand back pondering the question of how much is too much to share? Do I dare reveal my inner being under an alias name? What if...., What if...., What if.... And certainly, is it safe? However, as many questions that might come to mind, I cannot help but believe this truly might be therapeutic for a girl like me. 

Girls yearn to express themselves. It's a fact of life. Through countless conversations with dear friends, that statement has proven itself true. I am not an exception. I long to express, hope to be understood, and wish for the reciprocal. With that said, I'm picking up the "pen" and seeing where it will lead....